The best books on spiritual sex and healthier relationships

This book has to be first on my list. With his teacher Mykonos, David Deida explores the realm where sex meets spirituality in the Crazy Wisdom tradition. I’ve been following this path myself for decades as I find it the fastest way for cultivating a free mind and spiritual growth. Crazy Wisdom is a Buddhist concept that involves practices so unconventional, outrageous, and unexpected, that they shock you out of your normal ego behavior patterns. The sex you can experience from this deconditioned space is mind-blowing. Through a fascinating and entertaining story, Wild Nights inspires us to get out of our boring shells, take a leap of faith and explore our deeper longings and fantasies.

What I teach people about sex helps them have a strong tantric base. This creates the sexual bonding and physical foundation that allows us to do the necessary emotional relationship work. However, I certainly don’t feel qualified to give advice on how to make romantic relationships succeed. That’s where famous relationship therapist Esther Perel comes in. In this eloquent book, she admirably tackles the age-old problem of sustaining both a good sex life and a good relationship in the long term. Combine these relationship skills with tantra and you’ll be equipped with some remarkable tools that exceptionally few couples have mastered yet.

In my decades of teaching tantric sex, one thing has become clear: people share the same sexual fantasies, and there are only about a handful of categories they fit in to. One in particular is group sex or having sex with others than our primary partner. I’m not advocating infidelity, nor do I believe that an open relationship is somehow superior to monogamy. However, for those couples who long for non-monogamous exploration, this classic book by two pioneering authors offers a comprehensive and practical guide to sexual freedom in relationships. They offer tools on how to deal with sexual jealousy and how to practice respectful, loving openness where partners support each other’s growth. Win-win if you ask me.

I’ve worked with thousands of heterosexual couples and witnessed them hit intense layers of emotional resistance as they practise their deepest form of lovemaking. It often seems that this stems from men and women speaking different languages. According to linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, this is actual reality. The genders have different communication styles. In her book, she presents well-researched practical examples and offers tools to understand what goes wrong when you speak with your partner, and to find a common language in which to strengthen your relationship. Without this level of trust, it’s unlikely that either of you will be able to really let go and relax into deeper tantric orgasms. 

Professor Paglia’s books are a tad academic for most people’s taste, but I find it important to feature her here. In this book, she stirs up important questions around gender and sex. It seems that we are steadily moving towards a growing acceptance of diversity to the point in which androgyny is even becoming a desirable trait. Being genderfluid myself, I’ve sometimes asked myself these questions daily. In order to have more spiritual sex, it’s important that we accept and acknowledge our desires, and I’m all for supporting the full expression of feminine and masculine in both women and men. On top of this, Paglia is a real provocateur, which I like and can relate to. Truly one of the bright minds of our time.